Monday, October 05, 2009

Words for the Week..10/4/09

Oooh you don't know how MUCH I contemplated on going to church yesterday morning. It wasn't until I received a text and my friend informed me that they were in church and would call me later. For whatever reason that made me realize, well, hmm...there really isn't any good reason for me not going. Even though I went in my jeans and a shirt...I went.

The LORD says, "Come as you are!" I came and man! Why was there a straight party up in church first thing! Praise & Worship was off the chain yesterday morning!!! Woke me right up!!!! Finally after our SERIOUS praise session...Dr. Woods got into his sermon. It was so good I got 2 CD's cause I know a few people that need to listen to them!

Pastor said, "You need to have your own bible!" It was kinda funny when he said it...because I am sometimes guilty of maybe just looking on the screen behind him. Usually its because I am busy writing down the scriptures so that I can reflect later and re-read.

Pastor Woods said, we need to be able to pull out our bibles at any time of day or night. In the midnight hour, there will not be that screen that shows you the bible make sure YOU don't always rely and become some dependent on the screen!

I have my bible and bring it faithfully every Sunday! Its almost like not the same when you borrow someone elses know your bible front to back, side to side!

Anyhow...some scriptures to share.
Pastor has been speaking on a series of how we let the devil win.

John 10:10 says: The thief's purpose is to STEAL, KILL, & DESTROY! My purpose is to give life in all its fullness.

I Peter 5:8-9 Stay Alert and be aware of the devils tactics!
5:8 - Be careful - watch out for attacks from Satan, your great enemy. He prowls around like a hungry, roaring lion, looking for some victim to tear apart.
5:9 - Stand firm when he attacks. Trust the Lord; and remember that other Christians all around the world are going through these sufferings too.

So how does the devil win!?

We need to be able to sense when the devil is brewing up some stuff!
- He tells us lies
- He attempts to separate relationships
- He damages relationships with others through accusations.

How do we address the source of our anger?

II Timothy 2:23 - Again I say, don't get involved in foolish arguments which only upset people and make them angry.

When people are in strife its time to come to their senses!

Ephesians 4:26-27
4:26 - If you are angry, don't sin by nursing your grudge. Don't let the sun go down with you still angry - get over it quickly;
4:27 - for when you are angry you give a mighty foothold to the devil.

Proverbs 29:22 - A hot tempered man starts fights and gets into all kinds of trouble.

When does our anger become a problem? When it happens
- too frequently
- too long
- and too intense

So how do we address it?

1st we need to determine the SOURCE of our anger! Ask yourself..."Why am I SO angry!?
We must remember that a mad person cannot be a happy person.

Pastor Woods gave us Symptoms of someone with an Anger Problem:
1. Easily angered
2. Often angry
3. Lack of care of the impact of your words or actions
4. Frequent feeling that others are bad
5. Outbursts of words or actions that you later feel badly about
6. Others tell you that you have an anger problem
7. You have gotten in trouble due to your anger.

Next is to determine, what to do about it after determine your source!

Romans 12:17-18
12:17 - Never pay back evil for evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honest clear through.
12:18 - Don't quarrel with anyone. Be at peace with everyone, just as much as possible.

****People really need to check their tone!!!!**** Agree?

Bottom line...all Gods children trip! But it is up to us to determine how we react to certain situations. Lets get it together people!

Sunday, October 04, 2009

My Final Stages...

Taking it one step at a time..


Did I react in disbelief? Yes!
Did I deny the reality to avoid the pain I was about to go through? Yes!

My shock wore off....the tears dried...and was in unbelievable pain. How could someone you thought you knew do such a thing?
I could not escape the pain....well at least I didn't resort to any drugs or alcohol. =) I'm still good...

I began to check myself. What did I do? Did I make this happen? Sure...I will be the first to say...there is no such thing as a perfect marriage, but damn, I mean we did take vows.

How can I save this marriage?
Life was really chaotic for a brief moment and very scary. However...I have to remind myself...that GOD is on my side.

Frustration gave way to anger! Yall I was doin things that I wouldn't even think I would do...completely out of my character. But you know sometimes love will make you do some crazy things.

DEPRESSION, REFLECTION, LONELINESS...not sure I was at a state of mama wouldn't allow that mess. Reflection, YES! Loneliness? Umm..maybe a little.

Just when I think I am getting back on track, he does some silly crap, just immature crap that makes me that much more angry! And really wanting me to get on with this...and do what I gotta do! I am rally trying to deal with this...I have my good days and most definitely have my bad days.

THE UPWARD TURN....this is what I am looking forward to. As you start to adjust to my new life without the man I have had by my side HALF my life, I am hoping things become calmer and more organized. I am hoping that my physical symptoms lessen, and my blah attitude begin to lift slightly.

RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH....looking forward to this too! Looking forward to not letting his silly butt bother me anymore. As I become more functional I hope my mind starts to work again in ways it did before. I intend to find myself seeking realistic solutions to problems brought forth with this huge life changing moment. I will begin to focus harder on my beautiful little girl, myself, and reconstructing myself as a whole.

ACCEPTANCE & HOPE....With GOD I know there is hope! I expect nothing more..nothing less! I do realize that everything is in Gods hands and he will carry me through this nasty mud. Carry me Lord....I know you will never give me nothing I cannot handle, that's what YOU said...and I trust in you and believe in you. Make it happen captain!

I will once again have good times and make new memories. This little girl keeps me going each and every day, her smile and little laugh embraces my soul in every way imaginable. Thank you GOD for giving me something out of this loss.

I will get through this...I know I will.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

A Deep Message from Tyler Perry...

Hi there.I know I've been a little quiet lately but I've been in silent reflection,quiet meditation, and prayer. Turning 40 is such a blessing. Especiallybecause as I child I always thought I would die before I grew up.

If life begins at 40, then I owe the little boy that I was my life. Case in point, not long ago, I was brought a film to watch to see what Ithought of it. It's called PRECIOUS, based on the novel PUSH by Sapphire.I sat at home watching this movie not knowing what to expect. After the movie was over, I sat there for a long time just thinking about what I hadjust witnessed. I watched all the things that Precious, a 16-year-old girlin the film, went through. I watched her mother be unusually cruel to herand I realized at that moment that a large part of my childhood had justplayed out before my eyes. It hit me so hard, I sat there in tearsr ealizing that somehow, by the grace of God, I made it through. My tearswere tears of joy, being thankful that I made it.

Believe me when I tell you, PRECIOUS is a powerful film. After seeing it,I had to be involved. I didn't write it or direct it, nor am I making anymoney from it. Oprah and I both are giving any proceeds we would make tocharity. I just wanted to get as many people to see it as I can. It gaveme so much hope after watching it. For everyone who has been a Precious,male or female, this movie will make you so glad you made it through.

It took me through some raw emotions and brought me to some things andplaces in my life that I needed to deal with but had long forgotten. It brought back memories so strong that I can smell and taste them. Like,when I was very young, my mother decided to leave my father...she had had enough of his insanity. She loaded me and my two sisters up in an old Cadillac that he had bought for her, and drove to California. When herealized she was gone, he called the police and reported the car stolen,as it was in his name. My mother was arrested and my two sisters and I were put in the cell with her. He and my uncle drove from Louisiana to California to get us. We spent several days in jail waiting for him. He bailed her out and couldn't wait to get her into the car. He got into theback seat with us and beat her black and blue from California toLouisiana, as me and my sisters watched. Even though I was only two or three, I know that this had to have some effect on me.

I'm tired of holding this in. I don't know what to do with it anymore, so, I've decided to give some of it away...

Memories at 40: Not long ago, I was asked to speak at an engagement. Iwalked in and I was told that they had assigned a person to take care of me while I was there. She walked up to me, all of 5'2" of her, and askedif I needed anything. I looked at her and started to sweat. It took me back thirty-something years to her apartment. I couldn't have been more than 10 years old when I went over to play with her son and Matchbox cars.She opened the door in skimpy lingerie. There was a man sitting on the couch, smoking. She told me that her son was in the bedroom. I was there playing with him about 20 minutes when I heard the man arguing with her. He said he was leaving and slammed the door. She came into the bedroom and told me that I had to go home. She told her son to take a bath and she locked him in the bathroom. I was at the front door trying to get out,when she came in and laid on the sofa and asked me if I wanted the key. I told her I had to go home as it was getting dark. She put the key inside of herself and told me to come get it, pulling me on top of her.

Memories at 40: "What the f*#K are you reading books for?! That's bull*#*T!"

"You F*#*ing jackass! You got book sense but you ain't got no mothaf*#* encommon sense! You ain't sh*t and ain't never gonna be sh*t!" I heard this every day of my childhood. As my father would beat and belittle me, he played all kinds of mind games with me. He knew I loved cookies as a kid, most kids do. So he would buy them and put them on top of the fridge and when I would eat them he would beat me mercilessly.

My mother was out one night, as she loved to play bingo, and my father came home...mad at the world. He was drunk, as he was most of the time. He got the vacuum cleaner extension cord and trapped me in a room and beat me until the skin was coming off my back. To this day, I don't know what would make a person do something like that to a child. But thank God that in my mind, I left. I didn't feel it anymore, just like in PRECIOUS. How this girl would leave in her mind. I learned to use my gift, as it was myimagination that let me escape. After he was done with his rant he passed out. Since my aunt lived two doors down, I ran to her. She saw me and was horrified. She loaded her 357 and went to kill him. Holding a gun to his head, her husband came and stopped her.

Memories at 40: I got a call not long ago from a friend. He told me that a man that I knew from church when I was a kid had died and he didn't have any insurance. His family was trying to reach out to me to see if I would pay for his funeral. I quickly said no, but I wish I would have said yes.There is something so powerful to me in burying the man that molested me.I wish I would have dug the grave myself.

Memories at 40: I was about 8 or 9 years old. I had a crush on a little girl across the street. She would come over to my house and we'd play. She was about 12 or 13. One day she stopped coming and when I asked her why,she told me that my father was touching her. I didn't believe her, so I talked her into staying one night. We were both asleep -- she was in onebed and I was in another. I opened my eyes to see my father trying to touch her and her pushing him away. I moved in my bed trying to make him think I was waking up. He looked over at me and left out of the room. Not long after that, he beat me mercilessly for something again. Another mind game set up, so I told my mother what he had done. The blood drained from her face. We left that day. We were at my Aunt's house and he came there about 1am. Not long after that we were back at home. Nothing would compareto the random, drunken, violent beatings I would receive from then until Iwas 19.

Memories at 40: We would spend the summers in the country, with my father's adoptive mother. As a kid I was always sick. I had asthma and he hated it. He hated that I wasn't strong and viral like him. He hated thatI couldn't be in the saw dust, pollen and the raw lumber like him. He hatedthat I liked to read and write and draw. He hated that me and my middle sister were darker-skinned than him. He didn't think he could make a dark baby. He just hated everything about me I guess. Anyway, I had to go to the doctor every Tuesday to get shots to control my allergies. When his mother found out she said, "Ain't nothing wrong with that damn boy...he just got germs on him. Stop wasting all that money." When my mother left to visit some friends I heard what sounded like water running in a tub but it was sporadic. She came and got me out of the living room leaving my Matchbox cars on the floor. She said she was going to kill these germs on me once and for all. She gave me a bath in ammonia.

Grateful at 40: I was asked recently how I made it through all of this,(half has not even been told) and my answer to that is...I know for a fact that there is a GOD. When my father would say or do those things to me, I would hear this voice inside of me say, "That's not true" or, "Don'tbelieve that" or, "You're going to make it through this". I didn't know atthe time what "it" was, but today I surely have no doubt that "it" was GOD. That voice always gave me comfort. It allowed me to hold on. It kept me from being strung out on drugs, from dying when I wanted to commit suicide. It kept me from being a gang banger or drug dealer. Worse than all of those things put together, it kept me from being him. It brought angels to comfort me after every foul, harsh word or every welt on my legs or back. GOD, only GOD.

To know that the little boy that I was went through all that -- he went through and made it. Then me, as a man...I have to take on the responsibility of forgiving all of those people. I owe it to that little boy that I was and, more than that, I owe it to the man that I am. Think about it, as a child we have no recourse. We have nowhere to go. We haveto endure it. But as adults, we have choices. I choose to forgive with allmy might. Forgiveness has been my weapon of choice. It has helped to freeme.

If you're having a hard time getting over something in your life, maybeyou can try forgiveness too. It's not easy, but it does bring forth healing. I know that there are a lot of people out there with stories farworse than mine but you, too, can make it. To those of you who have,welcome to life. I celebrate you. We're all PRECIOUS in His sight.

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